Approach Trumps Content - Part 2

Last week, I shared with you a phrase that is constantly mentioned in the Conlee household: Approach Trumps Content! As Christians, we are called to speak the truth in love. Yet often, our temperament causes us to lean more heavily towards either truth or love. It is the person that will avoid confrontation that will usually lean towards expressing love and avoiding a truth that really needs to be communicated. The more literal and analytical personality generally feels compelled to speak truth, but can forget that how truth is communicated has a large impact on how it is received.On Thursday, we looked at how this principle can be lived out as a parent and as an employee. Today, I want us to see how we make this truth a reality in our marriages and our friendships.

3. In marriageI hate it when I have an example that reveals what an idiot I can be, but that is where we are today! I recently forgot to apply this principle. I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Of course, the first person that usually receives the implications of my stress is Chris. We headed out for a walk and I proceeded to tell him several ways in which I wanted things to change and multiple areas where I was frustrated. The silence was deafening. I knew in my “flooding” that, while there may have been a few legitimate areas for us to discuss, my approach had shut down the conversation.

The next morning God dealt with me and also showed me that behind these symptoms my real issue was fear. That night we set out for our walk and I was able to ask him to forgive me for my attacking approach the night before. We started the conversation over. This time I was able to share my fears. Together we were able to talk through the fears and make the adjustments we needed to make.

Many times our bad approach is a subconscious way of trying to force change, but no one wants to feel attacked. Avoid having to dig your way out of being a selfish spouse and first accurately diagnose the true concern. Acknowledging a fear is often a much more palatable approach than “You always…” and “You never…” kinds of polarizing statements.

4. In friendshipsIt is great when our friendships are easy and carefree, but true friendship means that we care enough to be a voice of reason and truth to our friends. Again, it is our approach that will determine whether the conversation is well received or rejected.

Perhaps you sense her making poor choices in her dating life, or having a skewed perspective in her conflict with her spouse. Starting the conversation acknowledging that you have had a similar struggle can be a safe entry. Another approach that is healthy is to acknowledge your fears about initiating the conversation. “I really care about you and value our friendship. I want to be a good friend to you, but sometimes I am afraid that if I raise a concern I will offend you and damage our relationship,” puts it all on the line and acknowledges that you come humbly and carefully, but still loving her enough to risk the relationship for her good.

I’d love to hear of your victories as you apply Approach Trumps Content to your relationships!